Wow. Where did the time go? I signed up for this triathlon 4.5 months ago and now...it was here. My first triathlon of the season - San Diego ITU Olympic Distance. I swear I wanted to vomit all week out of anxiety. I was taking walks around the office building for quick breaks to keep myself calm from a heaving fit. This was bad. This was very bad.
What the heck? Physically -- I could do it. Swim. My swimming routine was consistently 1700-1900 yards twice a week. I could do this.
But it was in a controlled, flat, wall-to-grab-onto-every-25-yards pool. There was no current to worry about. There were no thrashing competitors with feet and nails to climb over me. There was no big open water swim.
Breathe. Stay calm. Maybe I should back out? Maybe I could just cheer my fellow teammates on from the sidelines? Maybe I should downgrade to the Sprint distance and swim half as much?
No, I could do it!
Well, long story short...I couldn't. On race day, I got 50 yards into the water and started to panic. The other athletes in my wave group were getting ahead. I only counted about 10 in my wave still behind me. And I knew the next wave was soon going to be released and would probably swim on top of it.
I stared ahead into the big open water and imagined the next 45 minutes of hell. It was lonely. I was being abandoned by my fellow athletes who were much stronger than me. I was being left to enter into my own personal hell. It's not that I thought I would really die out there. It's just that I would think about dying for the next 45 minutes and that would be eternal suffering.
Then, I did what I've never done before...I let my fear of something stop me. I began to swim to shore.
Withdrawing from a race was definitely one of the most defeating feelings. It may not have been worse than the 45 minutes of hell I was to endure, but mentally, I wasn't ready for the swim.
I pouted for the next couple of minutes and tried to not let my disappointment takeaway from the accomplishments of my teammates -- all of whom finished. Then, I planted a smile on my face and cheered them on for all of their amazing accomplishments.
I may have stepped aside today. But I just lived to race again tomorrow.
